"Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living."
— Jonanthan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.
"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things."
— Philippians 4:8
I won’t sleep tonight.
I won’t sleep tonight…
It could be because of the four cups of coffee that should have been cut off to two, or at least have been decaf. Or maybe it’s because I still have unfinished papers to write. But mainly it’s because I’m juggling things that I am not made to juggle. I’ve never had good hand-eye coordination and I’ve always been extremely clumsy. I’m trying to juggle things as good as I can, but as always, I miss calculate and end up dropping everything and falling short in every aspect of my life.
This Lenten season has truly made me known to the holes in my walk with God and my lack of spiritual self-discipline. Social media and school work was put before prayer time. Eating one meal a day for fasting sometimes became two, then three, and then ice cream to top off the day… Thankfully, God is gracious and forgiving and I can always find my way back to His path whenever I stray.
Tonight, no matter how many times I twist and turn and curl up into a ball, I won’t sleep. I’ll just stare into the dark corners of my room, wishing it was morning. Counting sheep won’t work and neither will John Mayer’s soft voice in the background. I’m quite certain not even John Mayer’s song, Clarity, can actually give me clarity. All I’ll think about is the terrible juggling I’ve done and pray for steadier hands.